Romance: What I think it should be

Definition: Romance is the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love. - Wikipedia


For sometime now, I have had this notion that romance is bloated and unnecessary. But then again I was only reacting to what is being portrayed on social media and on print.


On social media you get to see people put up profile pictures with hearts and brightly colour text saying or claiming to love someone or to love themselves. Being the human that I am, I naturally cringe at the thought. I have seen folks who wish to be surprised by candle-in-the-bathroom kinda stuff and also honeymoon et al. It always came across to me as crap.


But what really is romance? Why is it so important to we humans? Is it really what the media claim it is? Or do people generally have a wrong idea of how romance is expressed?


On Tuesday, 23rd September 2014, I engaged an older woman in a conversation about romance. I told her I am beginning to think that the concept of romance is being blown out of proportion and that it is an unnecessary inconvenience considering that it makes one feel incompetent or jealous when one cannot replicate what one sees other folks doing on social media and being all emotional about it. She educated me that day.


"Romance is oil for the wheel of love", she said. I pondered on that for a few minutes and then asked her to please explain what she means by that.


That was when she took me to school.


When a man and woman who are emotionally attracted to each other come together in an institution of marriage, over time, the passion begins to wane as life begins to get more serious. The love/passion that initially existed between them begins to face some difficulty as communication is gradually broken down and two lovers begin to become like strangers.


"Love is like a living thing", she said. "It needs to be nurtured and cared for." When you love someone, you should be willing to accept them for who they are and to occasionally express your affection by actions which speak larger volumes.


She told me the tale of a couple for over 15 years who went to see a marriage counselor that they have become strangers and they don't love each other anymore. The counselor asked the man the last time he told his wife he loved her? The last time he commented on her appearance or generally showed any form of concern, care or emotion? Frankly, the man looked down and said the last time he did that was the week of their wedding.


Apparently, the woman had tried to salvage the marriage on several occasion but the man would rather be left alone to work and "provide for the family".

She ended by saying that if one would not be ready or willing to display affection, one should not venture into such an institution as marriage as it was designed to be a life time commitment to one's spouse emotionally and otherwise.


Any emotional association needs the continuous show of affection to be sustained. It is OK to want sometime for yourself occasionally (me times), but never starve your spouse of your attention. Pay attention to details. Notice when her hair changes, or when his cologne changes. Comment on each other's activity. Notice each other's state of mind and be willing to respond affectionately whenever the need arises. Be involved directly in each other's lives. That's the reason why you came together in the first place. That way we can gradually eradicate marital violence and marital infidelity. Never try to see your association as a "war zone".


"No one who loves you would intentionally want to inflict pain on you"

Let's make this world a better place for ourselves and for our children.


The end.

My thoughts on the demise of Africa's culture

To be clear, I regard culture as "the ideas, customs, and social behavior of a particular people or society".

I belong to a category of people who believe that wherever there is a rule there was a problem. In order to disregard rules and practices which one was trained with one has to be sure that the reasons behind the establishment of those rules are well understood. Most times, these rules are based on moral values and/or cultural norms of any society.

Today, in Africa, it is becoming increasingly apparent that there's a gradual shift in our cultural values. We are gradually disregarding some earlier held beliefs and practices and are tending towards a mixed blend of western and African cultures. This transformation can be seen from our dressing, our mode of governance, educational system, financial transactions, health care, accommodation choices, mode of transportation, religious practices etc.
We have witnessed the gradual demise of idol worship and are rather seeing a blend of islam/christianity and superstitions. We have seen the gradual rise of a lost generation caught midst this phenomenal transformation and having identity crisis/clashes.

There are relatively fewer people today who speak their native languages fluently in Africa than there was in 1980. Due to this we have seen a gradual disappearance of African proverbs and wisdom learned by the ancient Africans. Our forefathers(as we normally refer to them) may not have built skyscrapers, motor cars, ships and airplanes, however, they seem to have focused more on religious practices and in developing moral values based on their limited exposure.

A roaring lion kills no game. (meaning: You cannot achieve or gain anything by mere sitting around and just talking about it.)

Our forefathers were human beings and witnessed moral degradation in their societies which led them to develop certain rules and proverbs which we now look back on as African proverbs and superstitions. Let's take a look at some proverbs.

A popular igbo proverb is this: "Egbe bere ugo bere, nke si ibe ya ebena nku kwaa ya" which means(may both the eagle and the kite perch but if one does not want the other to perch, may his wings break. An english version is "The sky is wide enough for the eagle and the kite to fly in"). Looking closely at this proverb, you would see the advice towards encouraging coexistence. It is a well known fact that the igbo people tend to be very industrious and this can often lead to serious competition and various kinds of disputes. This proverb is usually recited each time there is a dispute of any kind and both parties usually have no choice than to calm down. I have witnessed 6 such occasions where this proverb was recited when resolving a business related conflict and I must say that it works like magic.

Another Igbo proverb with wisdom written over it is "Kama m ga erijuo afo dachie uzo ka m buru onu" (I will rather remain hungry than eat so much that I collapse on the roadside). This attempts to tackle the problem of biting more than you can chew and encouraging focus.

Yet another African proverb is: "The best way to eat an elephant in your path is to cut it into smaller pieces" which means that "The best approach to solving a problem is to take it bit by bit; one at a time"

There are thousands of such proverbs from the African culture which shows deep wisdom but why weren't we inclined towards technological advancements and conquests of kingdoms like the westerners? 

My response would be: "Because it didn't matter".

From the African perspective, it didn't matter who was on the other side of the world. Although we had tribes in Africa that were always after each other's skin, it was usually a matter of preserving what they currently had, competing internally and not global domination. That is one of the reasons why we are termed "Local champions".
We always don't feel compelled to compete globally because we are comfortable the way we are and are regarded as "mediocre". Even our forefathers told tales about "the gods" to keep us all in line. That's why our parents and also some superstitious young persons still regard technology today as "devilish/demonic/witchcraft". What cannot be explained is tagged "witchcraft".

With the onset of globalization and forced international competition through colonialism, some Africans have been able to rise to the challenge and produced outstanding results (Aliko Dangote is an example in the business side of things) others still prefer to compete within their immediate environments than on a global scale.

A man who pays respect to the great paves the way for his own greatness (meaning:What goes around, comes around so whatever you sow, you shall reap)

Our problems in Africa may not necessarily be problems if you look from within. But it becomes a problem when you begin to compare our culture to the western culture. You begin to think that life is a lot easier for the westerners and we, like electricity and water, prefer to flow through the path of least resistance.

Hence, more and more Africans are hoping on the train of westernization. It used to be a "taboo" or a "witches strike" when someone dies of cancer in Africa. Now we are embracing it as a norm. Gradually, we would see "all" our cultural values become extinct and then would we begin to battle the "problems of the west".

"What the white man is running from, is what we are running towards."

These are just my thoughts and I leave them to you to think through before you belittle your cultural background or disregard one practice or the other.

If a child washes his hands he could eat with kings.(Meaning: If you prepare and allow yourself to be well trained when you have the opportunity, you will achieve a lot and be favored in due course.)

That part of me.....

So finally I decided to blog again.

I have been buried beneath a pile of work and journeys and despite the fact that these work trips have been really demanding of my time, relationships and safety, I have really enjoyed the experience.
Now my N.Y.S.C has come to completion and the world out there can't wait to lay hands on me.
Well good luck with that (if you can find patience!)

I blog tonight about me, myself and I. 

I realized that I have indeed perfected the workaholic nature in me as though i'm gunning for the most unavailable man on the planet (beat that! :) ).
Someone confided in me recently (about myself of course) on how I would cope when a woman comes along.

Well, I'll tell you the truth in English. If and when a woman does come along, things are definitely going to change. Very few late nights on the computer only when necessary (oh Lord, less productivity*sobs* That's when the internet is at its peak!), more time with the she (sounds like it would be fun...or not?), more presence at home (no more "look ups" *sad*), reduced travelling (less fun). Oh well! it definitely wouldn't be that bad though, as i'm told. I think i'm just too worried about the unknown.
Right now, I have discarded all the cares I have in the world and to let God do His thing with me. Wherever/whenever you see me anywhere, don't hesitate to say hi. God bless! 

Insecurity - Fear of the unknown

It's a common issue to see people make plans and have sleepless nights over problems they anticipate. It's OK to be worried about tomorrow, but to let the worry of tomorrow affect your today isn't a good idea.

Insecurity as used in this post is basically lacking self confidence; plagued by anxiety

The problem of insecurity cuts across various areas of our daily lives. From  financial problems up to family issues down to career issues. We worry about whether we are gonna get good jobs, good spouses, beautiful children, a comfortable life style etc. When things don't seem to be going well we tend to get troubled and overly worried. Sometimes our worries push us to make hasty decisions and wrong choices. A calm attitude to certain problems sometimes is usually the best solution. Some situations usually don't require that you do anything. Just pray and watch. Other times, you may need to make a move. Now whatever move it is has to be calculated and prayed about. Advice usually as to be sought from appropriate persons.

Today in Nigeria, there's almost as high as 80% university graduates that worry about what happens as soon as you are done with NYSC. Some have so much confidence that if they shoot their CVs around the jobs would be waiting. Only to be met with not even one response from over 40 CVs that were dropped around.

How does one deal with this? Why is there so much uncertainty about what tomorrow holds? Are there ways in which these fears can be allayed? Has anyone successfully overcome these fears?

Truth be told, one may never get completely over these fears/worries, but rather one can reduce one's worry about them. I checked around and the only source of hope is God. Now, even God says " never to worry about tomorrow, but that we should let tomorrow worry for itself".
I know that sounds too easy but, well, it's just the truth. 

I'm yet to see a situation where worry solved a problem. But rather pragmatic steps taken with care usually does. In the end, do not let your worst fears be your reality. Step out from underneath it and take charge of today. Today is all you have, enjoy it. Make the best of the friends and network that you have today. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Enjoy.

What's the point of life anyway?

You go through life working hard. You wake up each morning with bright hopes for a better day than the previous one. At the end of each day, you go to sleep hoping for a better tomorrow. And the circle repeats itself. Is there no end to this seemingly endless loop of fake life we live everyday? What is the point of it all?

You are born into life without a say as to what background you would grow up with. Suddenly, you are already crawling and making some human-like sounds (called baby's first words). You then begin to walk and as fast as time is, you are already in school. Nursery, Primary, Secondary and finally the University. Next is the real world. You begin to see that life isn't a bed of roses and that all the choices and decisions you made in the past are simple "bed laying efforts" for the kind of bed life would give you. If you make it well, you might be a little bit more comfortable than your peers.

After all the hustle and bustle of life, a man/woman is laid in a coffin and placed six feet under the ground, giving room for other persons to have their run at life.
I have tried reasoning along these lines and believe me, life would seem so hopeless and pointless. But there's something missing. Is there no hope for humanity? Are we just like trees and seasons? Blossom while young and wither away with age?

I realized after a while that, outside of religion, life is pointless. It's just a vicious circle.
Religion seems to be the only thing that gives humanity hope. All else is vanity. You have so much money, after sometime it makes no sense anymore. You are agile and young and can surmount any obstacle life hurls at you. Try it again 10 years down the line. It all doesn't make sense. You can be as agnostic or atheistic as much as you want. But there's only one thing that gives me hope."Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter. Fear God and keep his commandments. This is the WHOLE DUTY OF MAN". It's just that simple. That is the point of life. There's nothing outside of God. Absolutely nothing.

Are you too busy?

Have you ever been in situations where you are trying to understand a very important topic/task or responsibility and someone is disturbing? Either he/she is playing loud music or talking or just hitting on your attention somehow? Or when you are really pressed for time and trying to do useful work in available time and your phone rings? Or you get notified that you have an email? Or a Whatsapp message?

Well, you are not alone. I have this issue too and because I tend to withdraw from association and communication whenever I have work to do, people have passed comments. They have called me "Most Busy", "You work too much" and said "Are you the only one that has work to do?" etc.

There's also the problem of too much information (information pollution). The internet and social media make it difficult to concentrate. You keep reading blogs, status updates, tweets, news posts, youtube videos, emails etc but yet you feel inadequate. Like you are not up to date or not good enough..yet.

"The ability to concentrate is golden". Not many persons seem to understand and appreciate the value of being able to focus on a particular task and getting it done at the expected time. This is a virtue that seem to be the backbone of many successful people in various industries today. Due to my previous habit of always being available and always saying "YES", I was known as a "late comer" by some and one that doesn't keep to time. I started solving this problem recently by tracing my errors to the long list of "YES" I have said and communication loops I had gotten entangled in. I was worried that when I say "NO I can't do that for you now" I would disappoint someone (always putting myself in their shoes the wrong way). Not until I was reminded by a friend that "You can't be everything to everyone". I have be told this a lot but not until yesterday did i take it seriously. It's ok to help when you can, but when you cannot or it's not ok for you to do so, just say NO nicely. If you can defer the responsibility to someone else, fine. If not, a NO it is.

Don't put yourself in a tight corner. Take up responsibilities one by one. Finish up. Take another. Repeat this circle and you would be fine. That is what inspires success and makes you efficient. Do away with distractions when you have stuff to do. There's time for everything.

Enjoy.

What's your worth?

Have you ever wondered what you mean to people? Or what people think about you? Do you think it matters? If you think it matters read on.

Our worth to people is determined by various factors and its value usually depends on the context. In the jobs market, the value system differs from those required from regular friends. Whilst employers would seek attributes like: good team spirit, useful skillset and hardwork ethics, our friends just want you to be dependable, available and fun to be with.

Whilst in the university, I had to answer this question: who am I to the different people in my life? To my classmates I was a school drop out who was busy programming, reading c#(pronounced see-sharp), not doing school work and not sleeping at night. To some of my friends I was a busy, unavailable fella whom when he is around is a clown. To the people I consulted for/worked with I was a geek. To the people in church I was a growing christian. Now that is just to name a few circles of people I found myself around. The opinions people had of me affected the way I interacted with them and placed me where I am today. Some persons saw and still see me as a "too busy" person and hence they just leave me alone. :) Some other persons see me as a "go-to-guy" for small scale projects and for IT consultations.

The importance of understanding what people think about you goes a long way in positioning you for what life would throw at you. Let me share a little story of how I got to where I am today.

My ICT career started in 2008. I was super thrilled by the CSC 102 course we did where I got to do my basic programming assignments myself and really saw the codes working. I continued along that path after that semester and went online to look for programmers to share my new knowledge. I met an indian programmer with whom I confided in about venturing into game programming and how I could use FORTRAN to achieve that. :) My friend laughed me to scorn. He then adviced me to look into C++ programming which he said was best suited for building games. I couldn't go home after that semester because I really wanted to build a game. I started frequenting the university library during that holiday to read up c++ and the computer resource center to use a code editor which I secretly downloaded and installed there to practice. When school resumed 3 weeks later I had already understood the concept of object oriented programming with c++. The computer resource center stopped working and since I didn't have a laptop or a computer I needed a way out. This was where having a good relationship with people came in.

I started spending time my friends who had laptops more often. I played video games with them and got to use their laptops whilst they slept. I couldn't keep up with lectures because I had to stay up all night most times to try out my programs, write programs on paper and read programming books during the day. I continued this way till my brother joined me in school through direct entry and eventually got a laptop. This became a booster for me and I was able to forge ahead more comfortably. I got my first paid project in 2011 and the money came in handy.There was no going back. I eventually got my first laptop in 2011.

In 2012, I was approached by a couple of friends for a job with the state government. I couldn't believe the pay. For 8 days a month (Thursday and Fridays every week) I was getting well paid and doing what I loved doing best. I was still a student. My friends thought I was good enough to be recommended for the job.

Today I've met persons I only saw on TV or newspapers. Shook hands with governors, been interviewed a few times on TV and the sky has been the starting point since then.

What made the difference? The opinion people had of who I am did. In the end, what might matter to you might be different from what made sense to me, you would always need people to get anywhere in life. Work on yourself and value your friends.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            photo credit: flickr.com