Romance: What I think it should be

Definition: Romance is the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love. - Wikipedia


For sometime now, I have had this notion that romance is bloated and unnecessary. But then again I was only reacting to what is being portrayed on social media and on print.


On social media you get to see people put up profile pictures with hearts and brightly colour text saying or claiming to love someone or to love themselves. Being the human that I am, I naturally cringe at the thought. I have seen folks who wish to be surprised by candle-in-the-bathroom kinda stuff and also honeymoon et al. It always came across to me as crap.


But what really is romance? Why is it so important to we humans? Is it really what the media claim it is? Or do people generally have a wrong idea of how romance is expressed?


On Tuesday, 23rd September 2014, I engaged an older woman in a conversation about romance. I told her I am beginning to think that the concept of romance is being blown out of proportion and that it is an unnecessary inconvenience considering that it makes one feel incompetent or jealous when one cannot replicate what one sees other folks doing on social media and being all emotional about it. She educated me that day.


"Romance is oil for the wheel of love", she said. I pondered on that for a few minutes and then asked her to please explain what she means by that.


That was when she took me to school.


When a man and woman who are emotionally attracted to each other come together in an institution of marriage, over time, the passion begins to wane as life begins to get more serious. The love/passion that initially existed between them begins to face some difficulty as communication is gradually broken down and two lovers begin to become like strangers.


"Love is like a living thing", she said. "It needs to be nurtured and cared for." When you love someone, you should be willing to accept them for who they are and to occasionally express your affection by actions which speak larger volumes.


She told me the tale of a couple for over 15 years who went to see a marriage counselor that they have become strangers and they don't love each other anymore. The counselor asked the man the last time he told his wife he loved her? The last time he commented on her appearance or generally showed any form of concern, care or emotion? Frankly, the man looked down and said the last time he did that was the week of their wedding.


Apparently, the woman had tried to salvage the marriage on several occasion but the man would rather be left alone to work and "provide for the family".

She ended by saying that if one would not be ready or willing to display affection, one should not venture into such an institution as marriage as it was designed to be a life time commitment to one's spouse emotionally and otherwise.


Any emotional association needs the continuous show of affection to be sustained. It is OK to want sometime for yourself occasionally (me times), but never starve your spouse of your attention. Pay attention to details. Notice when her hair changes, or when his cologne changes. Comment on each other's activity. Notice each other's state of mind and be willing to respond affectionately whenever the need arises. Be involved directly in each other's lives. That's the reason why you came together in the first place. That way we can gradually eradicate marital violence and marital infidelity. Never try to see your association as a "war zone".


"No one who loves you would intentionally want to inflict pain on you"

Let's make this world a better place for ourselves and for our children.


The end.

My thoughts on the demise of Africa's culture

To be clear, I regard culture as "the ideas, customs, and social behavior of a particular people or society".

I belong to a category of people who believe that wherever there is a rule there was a problem. In order to disregard rules and practices which one was trained with one has to be sure that the reasons behind the establishment of those rules are well understood. Most times, these rules are based on moral values and/or cultural norms of any society.

Today, in Africa, it is becoming increasingly apparent that there's a gradual shift in our cultural values. We are gradually disregarding some earlier held beliefs and practices and are tending towards a mixed blend of western and African cultures. This transformation can be seen from our dressing, our mode of governance, educational system, financial transactions, health care, accommodation choices, mode of transportation, religious practices etc.
We have witnessed the gradual demise of idol worship and are rather seeing a blend of islam/christianity and superstitions. We have seen the gradual rise of a lost generation caught midst this phenomenal transformation and having identity crisis/clashes.

There are relatively fewer people today who speak their native languages fluently in Africa than there was in 1980. Due to this we have seen a gradual disappearance of African proverbs and wisdom learned by the ancient Africans. Our forefathers(as we normally refer to them) may not have built skyscrapers, motor cars, ships and airplanes, however, they seem to have focused more on religious practices and in developing moral values based on their limited exposure.

A roaring lion kills no game. (meaning: You cannot achieve or gain anything by mere sitting around and just talking about it.)

Our forefathers were human beings and witnessed moral degradation in their societies which led them to develop certain rules and proverbs which we now look back on as African proverbs and superstitions. Let's take a look at some proverbs.

A popular igbo proverb is this: "Egbe bere ugo bere, nke si ibe ya ebena nku kwaa ya" which means(may both the eagle and the kite perch but if one does not want the other to perch, may his wings break. An english version is "The sky is wide enough for the eagle and the kite to fly in"). Looking closely at this proverb, you would see the advice towards encouraging coexistence. It is a well known fact that the igbo people tend to be very industrious and this can often lead to serious competition and various kinds of disputes. This proverb is usually recited each time there is a dispute of any kind and both parties usually have no choice than to calm down. I have witnessed 6 such occasions where this proverb was recited when resolving a business related conflict and I must say that it works like magic.

Another Igbo proverb with wisdom written over it is "Kama m ga erijuo afo dachie uzo ka m buru onu" (I will rather remain hungry than eat so much that I collapse on the roadside). This attempts to tackle the problem of biting more than you can chew and encouraging focus.

Yet another African proverb is: "The best way to eat an elephant in your path is to cut it into smaller pieces" which means that "The best approach to solving a problem is to take it bit by bit; one at a time"

There are thousands of such proverbs from the African culture which shows deep wisdom but why weren't we inclined towards technological advancements and conquests of kingdoms like the westerners? 

My response would be: "Because it didn't matter".

From the African perspective, it didn't matter who was on the other side of the world. Although we had tribes in Africa that were always after each other's skin, it was usually a matter of preserving what they currently had, competing internally and not global domination. That is one of the reasons why we are termed "Local champions".
We always don't feel compelled to compete globally because we are comfortable the way we are and are regarded as "mediocre". Even our forefathers told tales about "the gods" to keep us all in line. That's why our parents and also some superstitious young persons still regard technology today as "devilish/demonic/witchcraft". What cannot be explained is tagged "witchcraft".

With the onset of globalization and forced international competition through colonialism, some Africans have been able to rise to the challenge and produced outstanding results (Aliko Dangote is an example in the business side of things) others still prefer to compete within their immediate environments than on a global scale.

A man who pays respect to the great paves the way for his own greatness (meaning:What goes around, comes around so whatever you sow, you shall reap)

Our problems in Africa may not necessarily be problems if you look from within. But it becomes a problem when you begin to compare our culture to the western culture. You begin to think that life is a lot easier for the westerners and we, like electricity and water, prefer to flow through the path of least resistance.

Hence, more and more Africans are hoping on the train of westernization. It used to be a "taboo" or a "witches strike" when someone dies of cancer in Africa. Now we are embracing it as a norm. Gradually, we would see "all" our cultural values become extinct and then would we begin to battle the "problems of the west".

"What the white man is running from, is what we are running towards."

These are just my thoughts and I leave them to you to think through before you belittle your cultural background or disregard one practice or the other.

If a child washes his hands he could eat with kings.(Meaning: If you prepare and allow yourself to be well trained when you have the opportunity, you will achieve a lot and be favored in due course.)

That part of me.....

So finally I decided to blog again.

I have been buried beneath a pile of work and journeys and despite the fact that these work trips have been really demanding of my time, relationships and safety, I have really enjoyed the experience.
Now my N.Y.S.C has come to completion and the world out there can't wait to lay hands on me.
Well good luck with that (if you can find patience!)

I blog tonight about me, myself and I. 

I realized that I have indeed perfected the workaholic nature in me as though i'm gunning for the most unavailable man on the planet (beat that! :) ).
Someone confided in me recently (about myself of course) on how I would cope when a woman comes along.

Well, I'll tell you the truth in English. If and when a woman does come along, things are definitely going to change. Very few late nights on the computer only when necessary (oh Lord, less productivity*sobs* That's when the internet is at its peak!), more time with the she (sounds like it would be fun...or not?), more presence at home (no more "look ups" *sad*), reduced travelling (less fun). Oh well! it definitely wouldn't be that bad though, as i'm told. I think i'm just too worried about the unknown.
Right now, I have discarded all the cares I have in the world and to let God do His thing with me. Wherever/whenever you see me anywhere, don't hesitate to say hi. God bless!